have definitively quit T.
thing is – the only reason i wanted to stay REALLY is the freedom – i could go clubbing whenever i wanted, i could walk around at 3am (even though i never actually did.) what bugs me is that i could have done these things, but now i cannot.
idk how much of my current icky feeling is because of the fact that i COULD have had this great romance – a crush living downstairs, constant access, everything.
but like how much of that would have really happened? if the past year (or years) is any indication, nothing will ever come of that
like if you talk to someone everyday, i think its pretty clear that said person (i.e. me) likes you right? but nope, no move is ever made, and i am left wondering if yet again, i have conjured up some pseudo relationship with someone i don’t really know.
i feel that i might feel a little better if i make a list of everything that was bad at T
- the ant incident
- how i only really had 2 friends
- sometimes getting left behind at dinner and stuff
- being lonely a lot and not knowing how to deal with it
- managing my work badly because of too many distractions
- bad food management
- constantly having to choose one – either T or home fac
- not really being able to enjoy everything – AND KNOWING that really i wouldn’t ever be able to enjoy it
- not having any guy friends – feeling awkward around guys all the time, even though most of my friends in law are mostly guys
- how i never truly got my room decor right
- missing home – and the strange relief i would feel when i got home
wow. ok. i guess it’s not so bad.
good things that have come of me making this decision, even though it broke my heart
- being able to do up my room in a nice way
- not having to push back my LSA and not having to drop 1 elective
- having the freedom to go on exchange wherever i want and whenever i want
- not feeling like i’ve missed out on something (which wrecks me)
- not feeling like i’ve made a decision because of smth flimsy which would have probably not panned out
- having less distractions and more time to focus on my work
- STILL having options for clubbing – i have friends who i can stay with for the next 4 years NOT THAT i even went clubbing all that often anyway
- still having some alone time at home mostly
- still being able to exercise at home – that seems to work out best anyway
- being able to manage my food intake and stuff better
- knowing what works for my anxiety and mental health – HEIGHTS and some alone time
- still having a friend over there that i can visit sometimes
- knowledge that i made this decision for myself, completely unmotivated by anyone else, and with my priorities in mind.
i guess i do feel a little better. ultimately it’s the right decision. even if i’m sad about it. ma said you can’t always have everything, no matter how much you want it or how hard you fight for it. this is just my first taste of that.
everyone else did better than me i guess.
but that’s ok. i gotta ask a senior about this i suppose. how can i salvage my contract grade? crim i never truly cared about but this seems like the key to my future. and here i am.
sigh. i’ll be okay. a 4.11 isn’t that bad.
i never really had a chance anyway.
there was never any money to begin with. hah. how could i possibly have thought that i could have had that life? the foreign education, the perks, the beautiful city? initially i thought – wow i’ve made the right choice. but that line of thinking presupposed that i had a choice in the first place. this is the right choice because it is the only choice; the rest never really mattered in the first place.
this is the year of brutal truth. better start getting used to this reality.
i’m ok. i’m ok. fixing things slowly. how can i feel ugly. when nobody else has this face.
i’m worth something. that is more important than being beautiful. was not put on this earth to simply be beautiful.
i’ve been feeling quite shitty this week. people have made fun of my weight, my hair, my eyebrows. and i’ve had to brush off all of them/act like i don’t really care what they think. even though i care way too much and i got so sad and heartbroken after all of it like – i’ve never felt pretty.
and i have to keep telling other people that wow you look nice, you always look nice; even though nobody ever says it back to me. and its not their fault. i could look nice, but i don’t. and who’s fault is that? mine alone. i don’t exercise, i don’t eat well. this is the only thing that explains the sudden weight gain like almost 15kg since sec 4. i feel like… wow if i keep this up i’m only going to grow fatter and fatter.
as is my fashion- i’m going to approach this methodically. will consider the effects my weight has on my life, why i gained this much weight (especially from 2014) and how i will get rid of it.
what are the effects of being overweight
- constantly comparing, constantly feeling inadequate.
- constantly being compared, and constantly being made to feel like i’m not enough.
- jokes about my weight, my ability to do things
- no guy being interested in me, ever
- even if a guy is interested in me, he doesn’t see a future with me, so turns his attentions to other, more ‘appropriate’ girls
- being thought of as less capable than other more attractive women, even though i may be better than them
- not being as valued as i should be
- being taken advantage of – as the ‘sidekick’, the confidante of attractive girls. it’s funny how they don’t see me as a threat, so think that they can confide things in me. as such, i don’t have anybody i can share things with them, and they constantly overshare things with me
- being on the periphery of social events, etc.
- being constantly lonely, depressed and anxious
- effects on my physical health – constantly tired
- an inability to deal with stress
why i gained this much weight
- in 2014 – IB stress
- no exercise whatsoever due to exams
- a feeling that – nobody notices anyway
- crippling inertia
- in 2015 -endless supper
- bad snacking habits
- i eat pretty bad food at tembusu (a LOT of rice)
- i used to eat a muffin everyday and drink coffee with a lot of sugar and creamer
- used to drink milo everyday
- ate pizza, junk all the time, like for every meal
- no exercise in sem 1 since i wanted to ‘focus on my studies’
how i will fix this
- no pizza, fried food, junk. once a week only
- do not include FOOD into self love
- no more muffins (i’ve been good w this though, haven’t had a single muffin since sem started)
- running with dav
- fixed breakfast – cornflakes with milk
- brown rice for dinner + daal
- snack on peanut butter
- no subway
uncle is so awful to aunt. wow i wonder
- why she’s put up with it for so long
- how this man became this way + why
- how everyone can just behave as if nothing is happening and condone this man’s behaviour as ‘oh that’s just how he is’
- how my grandparents felt when they realised they married their daughter off to a monster like this
- how they put up with him for years on end after that
- why we gave him our family heirloom
- WHY INDIA WHY????? WHY DO YOU PUT UP WITH MEN LIKE THIS? HOW DO YOU FORM MEN LIKE THIS??
- ugh. sometimes i am so glad to be away from all of that.