2016

2016 has been fucking hard. i’ve been thinking and thinking for these past few weeks and wow ya i have really dealt with a whole bunch of shit. and i took that and i made it better. in a fierce way, i tried to work out my problems and they have in fact worked out. to be very honest like i don’t even think people know how difficult it has been for me to cope this year. like i have spent most of the 365 days feeling like an utter piece of shit and trying so hard not to be this loser idiot.

school

so i guess like i’ve succeeded so far. despite being hit with what felt like a bomb during the first few weeks of school, i got reasonable grades. definitely i dropped quite a bit (from 4.11 to 3.90) but i can excuse myself that much. its not terrible. i’m hoping to RA with Prof P if he lets me and i’ll try to get something published this sem somewhere if i can.

weight and appearance

i’m 73kg now even though an ideal weight should be about 60. my skin has gotten better since last year. despite a lot of stress and such the pimples mostly aren’t there. acne scars from ages ago are still healing, as am i. fashion sense still quite shit (which has been pointed out to me multiple times so wtv). will try to improve that as well. gotta look out for the salessssss

dad’s job/finances/etc

i’ve gotten a tutoring job to deal with finances for exchange, and it pays well without me having to do too much work or sacrifice a weekend or anything like that.

romantic entanglements 

uh so like i guess i thought that there was smth going on either w me and A or w me and S and like recently it was made quite clear to me that neither A nor S saw me in that way at all. so like ok wtv i dont think theres anything i can do about that lol. but its good that i’m going into 2016 without like any sort of baggage like i dont have any expectations. like i told the bff, like rships is all tied to weight. u lose weight and u get a bf its simple math. so ya i guess until i lose this 10+ kg or so like its not gonna change, this situation.

people in general

thing is like people r really quite mean and awful. and idk why guys think its okay to just like say rude things to me or whatever. like every guy i know. but maybe its because i say rude things to them. maybe because i dont love myself enough. its all possible. i guess i want to see the good in things. in situations. in myself. all round kindness is needed.

hoping that 2017 will be a better year, full of self love and appreciation and forgiveness and healing.

things to remember

  1. there is no need to find a boyfriend, or even see any guys romantically. i can’t spend my life waiting around. i need to work on myself a lot a lot. and not work on flaws or stuff that people find to be repulsive in me. think about what u have trouble with personally. like maybe im too unkind and critical of myself. maybe im a bit too defensive and cold. that sort of thing
  2. have a better relationship with food. i have been stress eating quite a bit this past few weeks which has resulted in some weight gain. so like i want to be better in that respect and eat more meaningfully
  3. i should deal with my anxiety and stress in a better way than to bite off all my nails and lie awake at night considering situations that may not happen
  4. i need to work more consistently. it doesn’t need to be perfect but there needs to be a DRAFT. every week. without fail
  5. i should be more active and take more walks, etc. spend more time on my feet or maybe go swimmingggg
  6. try to do something nice every week. paint or draw or do something relaxing every week like a ritual for yourself. take a break or something
  7. say yes to more opportunities 🙂 never say ur too busy. i’m never ever too busy for anyone or anything that might make a difference to my future. try to help people if you can.
  8. try to keep up this routine of sleeping 8h or at least maintain the 9am to 11pm routine so practice won’t be so hard in the future
  9. find better snacks to eat in school instead of eating all that trash. maybe health food or something consistent that you like.