letter to myself on my birthday

best friend suggested that I do this – just write down what’s worrying me and seeing what happens in the year ahead.

it’s almost my birthday and tbh this has been a really difficult year. I’ve had to give up a lot of stuff that I’ve loved – like T and the idea of a relationship with A. I mean, I don’t remember a year where I’ve had to go through this much and come out of it

Still coming to grips with the fact that my dad lost his job, even though it’s been quite a while since it has happened – sometimes I feel that it’s been harder on me than it has on him – and especially since all my information comes from secondhand sources that I’ve tried to ferret out stuff from. It’s strange I mean, a weird dance between pretending I don’t know what’s happening and altering my every move to try and deal with it. I don’t know what to feel. In my own way, i’ve tried to deal with it – i try to spend less than 100 bucks every month. have stopped spending as freely as i did. i scroll through asos and zalora and close the tab because i don’t know where i’ll get the money to buy stuff. i worry constantly about the prospect of having my PR revoked, my fees raised, not getting citizenship, having to go back to india, everything. every possible bad thing that can happen to me has already been considered by me and turned over in my head a thousand times.

i haven’t even bought shorts in ages. i feel guilty for getting a mac for my birthday, even guiltier for getting a cake that costs $50. i google prices online to make sure eating out is not too expensive. i applied to 7-8 jobs. i’m trying everything i can, just to try and deal with this. there’s no doubt about it – i’m trying very very hard. my heart feels heavy.

in the coming year, i really hope i can get my act together and improve my grades. i want to feel like i’m moving forward in life and trying to improve myself. and I am. i am working harder. but it has to be increased like tenfold. in a way, i’ve already hit rock bottom. jk rowling said that she used this as a solid foundation to rebuild the rest of her life. i shall try to do the same. i will try to feel less guilty i guess. and i really hope i get that job at lewin. i want to save up some money for exchange and a few months of working there will be hopefully enough.

about A. my friendship with him has appeared to have totally fizzled out – why do I allow men to make me feel like i’m not enough for them? my thoughts right now are like – wow ok i must not be as interesting as his med friends or whatever. but i am interesting. whatever. i will not miss a friendship that makes me feel inadequate.

these days i feel like i have less friends. in law sku, i mean. everyone has their classes and their boyfriends and everything. i feel alone a lot. not all the time, but when stuff happens like when people say i can’t go out because i’m going to meet my boyfriend – that hurts. it’s hard to feel like there isn’t something wrong with me. and the worst thing is – i told K this, and he went to go tell everyone else. what i hate more than anything else is feeling like i am the subject of other people’s pity. it sucks.

i always cry before my birthday. i feel its good in a way. helps me feel like i’ve cleansed myself a little bit. i can’t imagine what else god has in store for me. all i want is an uneventful year ahead. no excitement. monotony. i don’t think i can deal with more rejection, heartbreak and anxiety than i have already.

i want to be able to deal with my anxiety better. and be ok with not being perfect. i gotta believe in the ‘its not perfect but its done’ attitude. and i think i really have become a little cold. might want to let people in a little more than i do.

i want to be a better person, generally. life is often a struggle to me, but i don’t really like to dump that on other people. just want to fake happiness so that people around me aren’t worried about me. but at the same time, i don’t want to feel like such a wreck that i do now. wait backtrack. i dont feel like a wreck. but i do feel like my life needs a lot of WORK to make it normal or ok. my life is actually ok right now. i don’t want to spoil the now, just because of the yesterdays. if that makes any sense.

happy birthday, me. you are a lovely person. you’re kind, honest, and pure of heart. this i know, despite all my flaws. i am a good person. i hope i’ll have a great year ahead.