what i can’t get over

have definitively quit T.

thing is – the only reason i wanted to stay REALLY is the freedom – i could go clubbing whenever i wanted, i could walk around at 3am (even though i never actually did.) what bugs me is that i could have done these things, but now i cannot.

idk how much of my current icky feeling is because of the fact that i COULD have had this great romance – a crush living downstairs, constant access, everything.

but like how much of that would have really happened? if the past year (or years) is any indication, nothing will ever come of that

like if you talk to someone everyday, i think its pretty clear that said person (i.e. me) likes you right? but nope, no move is ever made, and i am left wondering if yet again, i have conjured up some pseudo relationship with someone i don’t really know.

i feel that i might feel a little better if i make a list of everything that was bad at T

  1. the ant incident
  2. how i only really had 2 friends
  3. sometimes getting left behind at dinner and stuff
  4. being lonely a lot and not knowing how to deal with it
  5. managing my work badly because of too many distractions
  6. bad food management
  7. constantly having to choose one – either T or home fac
  8. not really being able to enjoy everything – AND KNOWING that really i wouldn’tĀ ever be able to enjoy it
  9. not having any guy friends – feeling awkward around guys all the time, even though most of my friends in law are mostly guys
  10. how i never truly got my room decor right
  11. missing home – and the strange relief i would feel when i got home

wow. ok. i guess it’s not so bad.

good things that have come of me making this decision, even though it broke my heart

  1. being able to do up my room in a nice way
  2. not having to push back my LSA and not having to drop 1 elective
  3. having the freedom to go on exchange wherever i want and whenever i want
  4. not feeling like i’ve missed out on something (which wrecks me)
  5. not feeling like i’ve made a decision because of smth flimsy which would have probably not panned out
  6. having less distractions and more time to focus on my work
  7. STILL having options for clubbing – i have friends who i can stay with for the next 4 years NOT THAT i even went clubbing all that often anyway
  8. still having some alone time at home mostly
  9. still being able to exercise at home – that seems to work out best anyway
  10. being able to manage my food intake and stuff better
  11. knowing what works for my anxiety and mental health – HEIGHTS and some alone time
  12. still having a friend over there that i can visit sometimes
  13. knowledge that i made this decision for myself, completely unmotivated by anyone else, and with my priorities in mind.

ok.

i guess i do feel a little better. ultimately it’s the right decision. even if i’m sad about it. ma said you can’t always have everything, no matter how much you want it or how hard you fight for it. this is just my first taste of that.