i’m ok. i’m ok. fixing things slowly. how can i feel ugly. when nobody else has this face.
i’m worth something. that is more important than being beautiful. was not put on this earth to simply be beautiful.
i’ve been feeling quite shitty this week. people have made fun of my weight, my hair, my eyebrows. and i’ve had to brush off all of them/act like i don’t really care what they think. even though i care way too much and i got so sad and heartbroken after all of it like – i’ve never felt pretty.
and i have to keep telling other people that wow you look nice, you always look nice; even though nobody ever says it back to me. and its not their fault. i could look nice, but i don’t. and who’s fault is that? mine alone. i don’t exercise, i don’t eat well. this is the only thing that explains the sudden weight gain like almost 15kg since sec 4. i feel like… wow if i keep this up i’m only going to grow fatter and fatter.
as is my fashion- i’m going to approach this methodically. will consider the effects my weight has on my life, why i gained this much weight (especially from 2014) and how i will get rid of it.
what are the effects of being overweight
- constantly comparing, constantly feeling inadequate.
- constantly being compared, and constantly being made to feel like i’m not enough.
- jokes about my weight, my ability to do things
- no guy being interested in me, ever
- even if a guy is interested in me, he doesn’t see a future with me, so turns his attentions to other, more ‘appropriate’ girls
- being thought of as less capable than other more attractive women, even though i may be better than them
- not being as valued as i should be
- being taken advantage of – as the ‘sidekick’, the confidante of attractive girls. it’s funny how they don’t see me as a threat, so think that they can confide things in me. as such, i don’t have anybody i can share things with them, and they constantly overshare things with me
- being on the periphery of social events, etc.
- being constantly lonely, depressed and anxious
- effects on my physical health – constantly tired
- an inability to deal with stress
why i gained this much weight
- in 2014 – IB stress
- no exercise whatsoever due to exams
- a feeling that – nobody notices anyway
- crippling inertia
- in 2015 -endless supper
- bad snacking habits
- i eat pretty bad food at tembusu (a LOT of rice)
- i used to eat a muffin everyday and drink coffee with a lot of sugar and creamer
- used to drink milo everyday
- ate pizza, junk all the time, like for every meal
- no exercise in sem 1 since i wanted to ‘focus on my studies’
how i will fix this
- no pizza, fried food, junk. once a week only
- do not include FOOD into self love
- no more muffins (i’ve been good w this though, haven’t had a single muffin since sem started)
- running with dav
- fixed breakfast – cornflakes with milk
- brown rice for dinner + daal
- snack on peanut butter
- no subway