breaking

i hate this feeling of not having control over my life. my size, my grades, my friends. i feel like i’m just grabbing about for loose ends, while others live their lives; completely in control of their lives, school, with some sort of plan for the future? what would belle do? not this. she would have been skinny and have had boys all around her all the time. one thing i’ve learnt from the holiday i just had: if you want a hot boyfriend or just boyfriend in general, you need to be pretty and skinny and smart. life’s unfair. even guys who aren’t the male equivalent of those things expect them in girls they view as potential mates. which is saddening. then i feel like i need to meet that standard if not i’m missing out – which i am. i don’t have any of the memories that other girls my age have: dates, outings, bikinis, etc etc. i’ve been brought up in a culture where having a boyfriend is out of the question, if i do like someone it has to be a silent and secret affair which my family would only find out when i’m ready to get married. i have to wear like aunty swimming costumes even though girls who are fatter than me can wear bikinis (AND HAVE BOYFRIENDS ALSO). its unfair. i’m always missing out and the whole reason for it is because i am fat. this is disgusting. life sucks. i am forever getting yelled at for no reason. my mother is obsessed with the cleanliness of the house and how nobody is helping her with the cleaning. redefines the word irritating at every junction. exceedingly beginning to notice the embarrassing way my father behaves – his complexes, ridiculous idiosyncrasies. and the brother is completely clueless and sheltered so what even can be said about him. i just want to wake up one day. and have that life. the one that i want. everyone’s buckling down. i need an off day where i can get my life together. perhaps tomorrow?

i think the best thing about me. is that i never really lose hope. i think i might hope for a better life till the day i die. and maybe death is the answer. there’s a funeral going on downstairs. i wish i was in the casket instead of whoever is there now. fucking depressed.

 

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