a certain prof said we use our computers to retreat into a certain shell when we can’t make sense of the world around us. so true, but instead of taking away the shell and leaving us vulnerable and afraid, why not draw us out of it voluntarily? why not make class more approachable- not a place where you judge us when we make mistakes. sigh.
i feel like at home, i am the receptacle for crap that people can’t handle themselves. for example, if mom’s angry at dad, or vice versa, somehow someone will target me and mock/scold/similar about any random thing, any imperfection. shall i provide an example? if the general mood in the house is off for some reason, i can always expect some kind of tirade about how i don’t switch off the lights, how i don’t exercise much/ at all, how i’m not doing anything, not working, etc etc etc. feel like…tomorrow i’ll just go to tembusu for a few hours. just to sleep this off or rest or do something away from the family for a while. i can’t stand this constant scrutiny, this constant “why aren’t you studying etc etc etc”. so bloody tiring. draining.
the root of all my problems is money and how my family doesn’t have enough. it is the reason why i’m so angry (firstly, with myself for not being enough; with my family for not providing me enough; with the whole goddamn situation for being so unfavourable, amongst many many other things). so tired. i just need…to one day wake up, and things should be as they should be. i just want like some security. like i’m enough, i have enough and i won’t want anything. but looks like – with everything else that i’ve achieved in my life, i must pursue it alone and can’t get help from anyone.
tiredtiredtiredtiredtired. i must have a caterpillar’s patience.