breaking

i hate this feeling of not having control over my life. my size, my grades, my friends. i feel like i’m just grabbing about for loose ends, while others live their lives; completely in control of their lives, school, with some sort of plan for the future? what would belle do? not this. she would have been skinny and have had boys all around her all the time. one thing i’ve learnt from the holiday i just had: if you want a hot boyfriend or just boyfriend in general, you need to be pretty and skinny and smart. life’s unfair. even guys who aren’t the male equivalent of those things expect them in girls they view as potential mates. which is saddening. then i feel like i need to meet that standard if not i’m missing out – which i am. i don’t have any of the memories that other girls my age have: dates, outings, bikinis, etc etc. i’ve been brought up in a culture where having a boyfriend is out of the question, if i do like someone it has to be a silent and secret affair which my family would only find out when i’m ready to get married. i have to wear like aunty swimming costumes even though girls who are fatter than me can wear bikinis (AND HAVE BOYFRIENDS ALSO). its unfair. i’m always missing out and the whole reason for it is because i am fat. this is disgusting. life sucks. i am forever getting yelled at for no reason. my mother is obsessed with the cleanliness of the house and how nobody is helping her with the cleaning. redefines the word irritating at every junction. exceedingly beginning to notice the embarrassing way my father behaves – his complexes, ridiculous idiosyncrasies. and the brother is completely clueless and sheltered so what even can be said about him. i just want to wake up one day. and have that life. the one that i want. everyone’s buckling down. i need an off day where i can get my life together. perhaps tomorrow?

i think the best thing about me. is that i never really lose hope. i think i might hope for a better life till the day i die. and maybe death is the answer. there’s a funeral going on downstairs. i wish i was in the casket instead of whoever is there now. fucking depressed.

 

escapism

a certain prof said we use our computers to retreat into a certain shell when we can’t make sense of the world around us. so true, but instead of taking away the shell and leaving us vulnerable and afraid, why not draw us out of it voluntarily? why not make class more approachable- not a place where you judge us when we make mistakes. sigh.

i feel like at home, i am the receptacle for crap that people can’t handle themselves. for example, if mom’s angry at dad, or vice versa, somehow someone will target me and mock/scold/similar about any random thing, any imperfection. shall i provide an example? if the general mood in the house is off for some reason, i can always expect some kind of tirade about how i don’t switch off the lights, how i don’t exercise much/ at all, how i’m not doing anything, not working, etc etc etc. feel like…tomorrow i’ll just go to tembusu for a few hours. just to sleep this off or rest or do something away from the family for a while. i can’t stand this constant scrutiny, this constant “why aren’t you studying etc etc etc”. so bloody tiring. draining.

the root of all my problems is money and how my family doesn’t have enough. it is the reason why i’m so angry (firstly, with myself for not being enough; with my family for not providing me enough; with the whole goddamn situation for being so unfavourable, amongst many many other things). so tired. i ┬ájust need…to one day wake up, and things should be as they should be. i just want like some security. like i’m enough, i have enough and i won’t want anything. but looks like – with everything else that i’ve achieved in my life, i must pursue it alone and can’t get help from anyone.

tiredtiredtiredtiredtired. i must have a caterpillar’s patience.