this house is heavy. everybody in this house is tired and aching. but there’s no room to share burdens, to help or to solve the problems of others. there are only demands, and drooping shoulders.

i want to leave. i want to feel light and unburdened. but i am also selfish. is it right for me to live a carefree life while burdening my father? no. do i want to do it nonetheless? of course i do.

i’ll make it up to them, i say to myself, as my eyes sting and my jaws hurt from clenching my teeth.

i will never not feel heavy. i am always drowning. and there is never anybody here that will bother to save me. instead they will ask, you can’t even swim in this pond. how will you swim in the ocean?

letters to the future #3

Future me, I’m in a happy place right now. You know me. One day I feel like my life isn’t going anywhere and I’m a total loser. The next, I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

I just had an exhausting experience. I went to watch a movie with certain so called ‘friends’ who I’ve never really liked. Even if I’m in a place where I’m able to be friends with them, I’m always wary. I’m cautious around them because I always feel like I’m under scrutiny. My clothes, my appearance. Everything about me. I don’t know if this is self-created or not, but that’s just how I feel and I refuse to over analyse it (or myself) anymore. Anyway, I had this encounter and I was completely shut out because of their internal jokes or because of them talking about whatever outing they went for where I was obviously not invited. There’s only so much ‘I don’t care about this’ smiling you can do before you’ve had enough.

Anyhow, I was so incredibly drained by this (and the prospect of going out with them YET AGAIN and feeling so lonely even in a crowd) that I was in a pretty shitty mood when I came home. But then I was greeted by the lovely father daughter relationship between this family friend and his little daughter. It was pure love and untainted by money or expectations or inadequacies. Just pure, simple, EFFORTLESS love. And it was SO incredibly different from my experience with these friends. I didn’t have to pretend, or try so hard to not let my background show, or try so hard to behave like a rich girl. I just…was myself. Contemplating and observing. Tired, but myself. It wasn’t fun, but it was kind of peaceful. Familiar.

I don’t know why I let people affect my perspective on my life so much. I don’t have as much, but I have enough. And I love what I have. 2014 was such a hard year. It felt like everyday, more and more of my inadequacies would pop up and I would try to fix it somehow and utterly fail as per usual because my inadequacies are PART of who I am. I can’t fix my financial conditions. I can’t make myself beautiful or my clothes more expensive. I can’t make myself snarky or overly sarcastic (though I was becoming more and more mean as the year progressed). The other day I realised something. I look best when I feel beautiful. When I feel like I am worth it, when I am enough, everybody else finds me beautiful as well. And wasn’t that what I was aiming for from the start? To be beautiful, to be wanted by others?

This year, I’m hoping to be a better person. I don’t want to care so much about where I’m from, but where I am and where I’m going. I am beautiful and I want to take care of myself properly, to care but not care too much such that it becomes an obsession. I want to be more positive and basically try and see something good in every day, every experience. I had a so-so day, but I’m hopeful and positive now, and that’s the whole point of life anyway. Days may not be good, but I must always be hopeful that tomorrow will be better.

Future me, you have enough and you have always been enough. I hope I will never forget.