:(

If I stay in one place I lose my mind/ I’m a pretty impossible lady to be with

I just want to sit in a dark place and cry for a while. And I don’t even know why.

Life kind of sucks.

letters to the future #2

hi future me! now that ib has begun, i find myself having more and more time to think about stuff that’s not ib. this seems like a strange paradox, but you get it.

so here’s what i’ve been thinking about. sometimes i feel like such a horrible person for even THINKING this, but it sucks being Indian sometimes. it really really SUCKS. they want to get you some fugly gold necklace and I hate gold! that’s what I tell amma anyway. the real reason is that all this crap reminds me of this background that i absolutely HATE and i can’t get away from, no matter what i do. just today, i was on the bus and I saw this car filled with children, and then following it was a beautiful porsche and now I realise that those are the two futures that lie before me, and I don’t want the shitty toyota filled with so many children. i just want to be alone with maybe a boyfriend forever. i don’t want what inevitably lies before me, and i don’t care if that makes me a bad person, but i don’t want to end up like my family. i so so do not want that for myself.

i hope that you are living the life that you always wanted for yourself. if it helps you remember some context, i am currently sitting in my brother’s room because the lights in my room aren’t working. nothing is working in this house. my parents are advising some random dude to live in a condo and learn from their mistakes, but the thing is that they don’t want to LEARN from their mistakes. i seem to be stuck in a shitty middle class cycle, and i’m totally not looking forward to this shitty india trip that i can’t get out of. this brings us back to the shitty necklace dilemma. whatever, i’ll just keep it and sell it or something in the future. i don’t even know. so ridiculous. and every time i say something about it, it’s like i’m some sort of impudent ungrateful person but the thing is that i have SEEN the other side. i go to school everyday with the other side. you can’t expose me to this lifestyle and expect me not to compare what i have with what they have. you can’t expect me to be satisfied! ugh. i’m so…discontent. I feel like jordan now. great.

(I hope you feel like you have enough, future me.)

life is hard

tomorrow is the ib. and im fucking scared.

lord help me.

(morning before ma comes home) –

  • PAPER 2 PAPER 2 PAPER 2
  • international econs (read through everything)

(afternoon/after 2.30pm)

  • literature paper 1 rev
  • microecons
  • macroecons

hopeful

i will make this happen.

you should know one thing about me. i will not give up, even when i’m the underdog, especially when i am the underdog. i make poor decisions, i procrastinate, but eventually, i get my shit together. even if it is two days before the exam. even when i should be prepared, but i’m not.

i refuse to believe for one second that i will not be able to accomplish something. because i can, and i will.

i am a fighter, and i fight with myself, every minute of every day, but eventually i win. i always win.

45 points, here i come!

-english paper 2 revision

-macroecons

-international econs