don’t be so angry! especially with ignorant people who you can’t influence. my take on all this? she’s just perpetuating misogyny with her acceptance of these narrow boundaries for women!

why can’t i wear shorts! the whole world wears shorts! everybody accepts this! it’s india’s fucking attitudes toward sexualizing people for what they wear! i can wear whatever i want because i want to! that’s how it should be but nooo. even when i’m eighteen i have to sit here and listen to my own MOTHER tell me i can’t wear shorts (and long-ass shorts at that) around the house when i go to india. it’s absolutely ridiculous and I said so, to her face. and AND the way she responds is by storming out and taking it so PERSONALLY. god. it’s your sick attitude that’s ridiculous. you’ve lived in a modern country for so long (almost 11 years) and still your attitude is so backward. i can’t wear shorts? in my own house? these shorts are SCHOOL SHORTS. they come halfway to my knees. it isn’t even FBT long.

sick of this shit. can’t wait to get out of here. then i’ll wear whatever i want, go wherever i want, do whatever i want. ugh. gross as hell.

this is why i hate being indian sometimes.

letters to the future: #1

hi. you’re probably a different person by now. or maybe you’re the same. i don’t really know. all i know is that you are going to be in a totally different mental state when you read this maybe months, maybe years, maybe just days later. and it’ll mean something different to you when you read it then.

some things i’ve learnt over 2014

  1. the world is big, sad and lonely
  2. you are big, sad and lonely
  3. just now, while trying to type lonely you accidentally typed lovely. you are that too, however sporadically.
  4. dreams are painful
  5. love is messy and isn’t as pretty as you thought it would be
  6. living for small moments is unfulfilling
  7. romantic comedies are fake and disgusting
  8. notions of being bad are better in your head than they are in reality
  9. you ARE a mugger with a procrastination problem
  10. however bad things seem, it always turns out okay eventually.
  11. fake it till you make it is a reality and it is not pathetic.
  12. i really really want to not feel like this.
  13. i’ll stop now.

you must be kinder to yourself.

and i said to my body. softly.‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied, ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.’

i am not going to beat myself up anymore. 

if i don’t

stuck in this strange limbo again where i’m not sure what i’m doing with my life. i’m not studying, i’m not being productive, i’m basically not doing anything beneficial to my life. the way i talk in school its like i spend the whole day studying my ass off, but in reality, i’m just sitting at home watching other people live. i’m living my whole life by proxy and i’m not sure why i do this every damn time. i didn’t even go for any lectures today. skipped them all to discuss marriage and other similar useless stuff (? why)

i’ve got to grow up and learn to accept reality for what it is. i can’t believe that my biggest concern is which guy i should choose or which guy chooses me. it’s absolutely ridiculous and i’m kind of disgusted with myself atm actually. sigh. this sucks balls. trying to remember: i am mine before i am ever anyone else’s. i will switch on the aircon now and get to work. will study non-stop until 9pm when it’s time to have dinner. then i’ll have dinner and start studying again until 3am. that would mean that i can study about 10 hours a day.




(2h every night working/researching application stuff.)



Friday: avoided the love of my life. resolved to never do anything even remotely personal with him ever again such that the insane staring during math never ever happens again. (for the purposes of older me: when you read this many many years later, please remember that you spent the greater part of an hour and thirty minutes just staring at the back of his head/curve of his nose, feeling so fucking shitty about yourself and him that you decided to let it go completely. so now what you do is that every time you pass by him without talking or doing anything, you take deep breaths and think ‘let it go let it go let it go’. it brings you unbelievable shitty vibes but i believe either it’ll get better or god will bring something else to your path such that you don’t die of pain or whatever.) so i was at the bus stop and i saw the rest of them at the squash courts and i thought he was also there like not playing squash but just sitting there and i couldn’t see like if he was there or not but i was at the bus stop anyhow and i decided to sink to my lowest point and just wait there until he came out and then we could go home together (i know i know it sounded fucking stupid even then but i was like let me hit rock bottom today). SO. while waiting, i switched on my phone magically cuz it had died before and LO AND BEHOLD there are like random messages from option 2!!! and i was like wtf why cuz we haven’t talked in like a month plus plus. but then we’ve been trivially chatting for these two days

sat: tuitions and sat (please please let it have gone well)

sunday: someone asked me to go to the library and i went and while i was there i got a text from option 2 again!! i feel like i should be completely honest, future me, and i should probably tell you that i didn;t even try to hide it. so guess what. he saw the ultimate bomb message and it totes looks like option 2 is asking me out and he took a pic of the message and sent it to people and their reactions were like ‘interesting’ and shit like that which makes me feel like a total celeb cuz nobody knows anything except conjecture. HAHA. i now realise that the lives of celebrities are pretty pathetic. its like a version of mine but they are pretty and thin.

woah. point is, a lot of things are happening and i don’t really know what to do but GUESS WHAT while writing about all this i finally realised what im going to write for the common app essay!

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

AJJI’S HOUSE! THE FANTASY OF ME RUNNING THERE and its so personal and its true!!! so if they accept me it’ll be because of who i am