breaking point

Is it important for someone to know you properly before they love you/you are able to love them? I’ve been going through the most gruelling round of prelims, and they are wearing me down immensely. I use this pronoun for the exams and for my parents these days. They never ever say anything that is useful to me/eases my stress/makes me feel better in any way. All I hear is ‘how was your exam’/’why wasn’t it good’/kya re kyun aisa karti hai, as if I ASKED for a bad paper/wanted to do badly. It’s infuriating. Yesterday my father said something that hurt me to my very core. CORE. He said “your priorities…I really don’t know what you are doing” and did this little head shake that he always does that shames and angers me more than he’ll ever know.

And in that moment I was feeling so shitty and sleepy and unprepared and frankly so STUPID, and what he said just increased all those negative feelings tenfold. It’s not like I don’t agree with what he says, it’s just his AWFUL timing all the time and he always says these things just when I am feeling my worst and then I hate myself even more than usual. I would just appreciate even the remarks IF he would do something to help me in my revision or do something for me in general. I guess I’ll be the forgotten girl forever then (something I was thinking about today- even those who I loved most didn’t put me in first place. It was always the oldest grandchild, or the first boy, or the one who lived close and had skin the colour of cream) Always second best, never EVER good enough.

I was just thinking yesterday that even though others criticise me, nobody will ever judge and mock me as I do myself, in my head, every time I see my stupid face in the mirror. I am my biggest critic and my worst enemy, and it kills me that nobody knows or cares enough to know. That’s a whole other argument in itself- must I tell people for them to care, or should I just expect them to know me. I understand the need to open up when it comes to friends or possible SOs or whatever but these are my PARENTS. If they don’t know me, don’t understand, then how can I expect anyone else to?

In all this general shittiness though, a teacher was praying for us before the physics paper and he said this thing- from the bible but I feel comfort comes from every faith- “all things work for the good for those who love Him”. So I’m trying to do some work, salvage what I can, and leave the rest up to God. He fixes me, even as His children break me.


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