fixed

At the moment I’m listening to a song by Taking Back Sunday called Nothing at All, and I re-read a quote I’d posted on here “Oh God, help me be focused on you, and not on your creation. As they break my heart, and you fix it.” Hasn’t God always fixed me, without fail? Even when I didn’t believe in him, or didn’t see the point in God, or as I still grapple with the conflicting faiths that plague me? 

I guess I go through life trying to be thankful in all things, but rarely ever succeeding. What’s the point of being thankful only AFTER everything has been worked out for you? Of all the things I’ve had to do, being thankful has been the hardest. How do I thank the same God who loves me, but took away my grandmother? How can I love the same God who created the people that hurt me to my very core? How do I remember to be thankful when I lie in my bed, silently sobbing when another bout of sadness and grief hits me like a tidal wave? Maybe I’m being dramatic, overreacting. 

It’s just hard to accept the ‘destiny’ argument, the ‘everything happens for a reason’ argument. Maybe I’m being punished for being six years old and thinking what I thought that day. Maybe I’m being punished for not caring enough/being too afraid to call in 2010. And the weird thing is that I feel I should be punished. I’m a really bad person, and that’s probably why the quote hits me so hard every time. I am the worst person, and you fix me nonetheless. Even when I don’t deserve to be fixed. Even when I deserve to have my heart broken, for loneliness to crush me. 

Thank you thank you thank you. I’m so glad, even though I am so incredibly 

 

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