i am an overthinker by compulsion, and a cynic

I’ve come to realise that I don’t love you. I’m so sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever believe. And strangely, I am incredibly relieved! Within a month I’ve gone from being mind-bogglingly in love with you to a sort of detachment, a sort of ‘what were you thinking?’ sentiment. Don’t get worried though, its absolutely got nothing to do with you. You’re still as lovely, as you as ever. It’s not you its me is so so relevant, and so shockingly true, in this case at least. 

We go on non-dates, just because we happen to live near each other, and today I sort of felt like your girlfriend a little bit, when we were picking out clothes and buying cake. Like I was part of your life. Like my opinions were important to you, and like you’d pick what I like, just because I liked it. Not that I know what it’s supposed to feel like, but the strange thing about it was that I didn’t really like it… Believe me, I know I’ve said that if something were to happen between us I would absolutely LOVE it, but right now, it doesn’t seem worth it. Being someone’s girlfriend holds absolutely no appeal to me, not at this point anyway. So weird, but the time today felt like…marriage. And I hated it. I hoped I wouldn’t, wished I didn’t but I did nonetheless. I don’t understand anymore. I seriously don’t. I’ve been crushing on you for two fucking years for christ’s sake. But today at the bus stop, I just got sick of waiting for you. I just want things to happen, I hate the waiting part. 

I feel like we’re stagnating, and the buildup to this was great, but its sooo not working anymore. I like falling in love, not so much being in love. Fickle as hell but hey, its not like it went anywhere, right? It’s all just happening in my head. Not like I told you what I was feeling. Not like you even felt the same way about me. It’s pretty laughable really now that I think about it. Kind of like a schoolgirl crush. But I’m fucking eighteen, you know? It’s time to live a little, explore some options other than waiting for something that is never going to happen. 

And even if it did, there’s no guarantee I’m even going to enjoy it, right? 

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