not happy

It feels like everything is not going to work out… Penn seems like a pipedream, some naive ambition I have that’s never going to see the light of day. And the worst thing is that I actually told people about this dream…Why??? i am going to make this happen I DONT CARE!!!!

I feel so stupid now, and not just wrt academics or US Applications or anything like that. I just feel inadequate and it’s all a combination of how underprepared I am for everything and God I wish I thought more about these things in Year 5. 

Here’s a list of all the things I have to fix by this week 

  1. Academics (STICK TO THE SCHEDULE) 
  2. US Application- Intent to Apply form 
  3. Honours day- deal with everything there 😦
  4. Buy teachers’ day presents for R, A, D – crabtree and evelyn cookies for R and D, and THINK OF SOMETHING FOR A!!! 

 

“Oh God,
make me focused on you,
and not on your creation.
As they break my heart
and you fix it.”


reminder

For some strange reason, lately it appears as though I’ve become very desirable in the eyes of the opposite gender. HA. Seriously though, after I posted the picture (god what was I thinking but forget it) everyone has started shipping me with _______ for christ’s sake! Equal parts mortified (are my feelings obvious or something? what on earth is happening?) and pleased (please ship more, get him to do something about it). And all this while P_____ just asked me if I was angry/upset about the shipping and I tried to come up with a way that allows them to keep shipping while not revealing that I am totally in LOVE with the person they’re shipping me with and God all I can think about is that I’m completely useless and pathetic. Can’t do anything right and in all honesty I really think this is one-sided and I need to stop. 

All this while I’m so confused about life and uni and how I can’t do anything productive for prelims and ARGH this is the worst timing! My reaction right now has just been to gravitate between total joy and being totally PISSED OFF as shit. Not been very easy to deal with, thank god for M seriously she takes so much of my crap on a daily basis. 

I kind of understand why ______ is sick of me

I’m kind of sick of me at the moment. 

Bad days are the worst and this week has not been the kindest. 

 

 

decisions

25 August: Thoughts- EXPLORING OTHER OPTIONS WAS A BAD IDEA. I AM GOING OFF THE GRID. 

26 August: I feel you C. Although I think my situation is soooo self inflicted. Seriuzly. Its alright though. I keep getting distracted by it even though IB is in so few days and prelims are in

19 DAYS 10 HOURS 😦 

This is the worst. But i’ve got to pull through it. And the person who I was most concerned about knows the truth now, so I’ve got no one to explain myself to. ALSO momzilla is back ugh. Why should I do your job for you for christ’s sake?? You’re PAID for this!! And how is it not okay for me to not do my own stuff before I study but its okay for me to waste my time researching ART HISTORY for your job while you relax. For HEAVEN’S SAKE be realistic!! 

Praying for things to be better and hopefully I can get a bit smarter UGH!

 

dome

Before my IOC (which was on thursday, by the way), I was so nervous just sitting there waiting for the 30 minutes of hell to be over. I was so so scared but I was praying and asking for help from God and Ajji and basically everyone up there, when I thought of that quote that I’d heard previously – “Why fear the future? Assume that it holds wonderful things.” 

Then I became calm, and the door to the Old Boardroom opened and I went in, chose the envelope containing the extract I’d just seen in his hands, and it was all over before I knew it. And she said the words “excellent. very thorough. i’m very happy.” 

It just feels good to do something, and to do it well. 

i am an overthinker by compulsion, and a cynic

I’ve come to realise that I don’t love you. I’m so sorry. More sorry than you’ll ever believe. And strangely, I am incredibly relieved! Within a month I’ve gone from being mind-bogglingly in love with you to a sort of detachment, a sort of ‘what were you thinking?’ sentiment. Don’t get worried though, its absolutely got nothing to do with you. You’re still as lovely, as you as ever. It’s not you its me is so so relevant, and so shockingly true, in this case at least. 

We go on non-dates, just because we happen to live near each other, and today I sort of felt like your girlfriend a little bit, when we were picking out clothes and buying cake. Like I was part of your life. Like my opinions were important to you, and like you’d pick what I like, just because I liked it. Not that I know what it’s supposed to feel like, but the strange thing about it was that I didn’t really like it… Believe me, I know I’ve said that if something were to happen between us I would absolutely LOVE it, but right now, it doesn’t seem worth it. Being someone’s girlfriend holds absolutely no appeal to me, not at this point anyway. So weird, but the time today felt like…marriage. And I hated it. I hoped I wouldn’t, wished I didn’t but I did nonetheless. I don’t understand anymore. I seriously don’t. I’ve been crushing on you for two fucking years for christ’s sake. But today at the bus stop, I just got sick of waiting for you. I just want things to happen, I hate the waiting part. 

I feel like we’re stagnating, and the buildup to this was great, but its sooo not working anymore. I like falling in love, not so much being in love. Fickle as hell but hey, its not like it went anywhere, right? It’s all just happening in my head. Not like I told you what I was feeling. Not like you even felt the same way about me. It’s pretty laughable really now that I think about it. Kind of like a schoolgirl crush. But I’m fucking eighteen, you know? It’s time to live a little, explore some options other than waiting for something that is never going to happen. 

And even if it did, there’s no guarantee I’m even going to enjoy it, right?