worries

I’ve been feeling really really scared these past few days. The bright hope and possibility that pervaded my life on Sunday has just evaporated and reminded me yet again that absolutely nothing in life is permanent. Feelings, experiences, everything. It just comes and you feel good and then poof! It’s gone and you’re back to feeling scared as fuck. 

  1. SAT Subject Test. I don’t know how I’m going to give this test. I mean, I could sign up but there’s absolutely no guarantee that I’ll get to do it, and I’m so scared, I swear. So so scared. What if I get rejected because I don’t have SAT math II? What if ACTs aren’t enough? What if I do badly for the ACTs? 
  2. What’s going to happen to my EE? I’m worried that the magical realism aspect of it is completely out of point and I don’t even know if its a valid enough point that I can use it for HALF an EE. And its too late at this point to change it, even. I can only pray that Runima finds it alright and I don’t have to make any HUGE changes before I hand it in. 
  3. School starts on Thursday, and tomorrow is the last day of rest I get before I have to jump right back into the mess that is school and grades. It just depresses me more than anything else, really. That I’m doing all this for naught. Like I can work hard and dream all I want, but what happens is independent of that. I really really want to go to wharton. I can see myself there, and I know eventually I’ll do okay for myself. But I’ve got to stop seeing it as an end-all option. IF and god forbid I don’t get in, I can always pursue something equally fulfilling elsewhere. 

This whole experience with the SATs and shit has just compounded my faith in God. Really really His mercies are amazing. I prayed about the ACTs in the shower and by the time I came out and logged in, the website was up and I managed to sign up. And I’m sure God will do something about the SATs as well. If just ONE more centre would be opened up, then I would get to sign up and I’ll be so happy. Please please let a miracle happen. And I hope the Penn people reply to me as well. 

I just need to occupy myself well, and everything will be fine. Just got to have faith and live while I can. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. If it happens, it will happen and I just need to do as much as I can to make it happen. That’s all. 

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