loved

Interestingly enough, my voice is gone and I couldn’t handle a packed 67 today after tuition so I caught a cab and I must have looked pretty exhausted because the driver asked me, in such a beautiful, soft voice, “Long day at school today?”

It’s funny how late I’ve realised it, but Ajji was right. God lives in the hearts of other people, and I’ve never randomly just felt as loved and so perfectly okay as I did in that moment today.

Sweet like honey.

possibility

Isn’t it strange how life tends to give us the things we want, in such different ways than what we imagined. I’m currently sitting in a cafe listening to a really great song and typing away on my computer that will soon die, and I just realised how much I wanted this reality for myself when I was younger. And now that I’ve got it, I’m like “finally.” 

 

modest

I’m pretty happy with my grades. Didn’t do as badly as expected and I actually scored decently for a change. Improved physics, chem, math and lit. very very proud. 

  1. Math HL 5
  2. Chem HL 6
  3. Physics HL 6
  4. Lit SL 6 
  5. Hindi SL 7 (confirm so yay) 
  6. Economics SL 5 

Total: 35/42 🙂 Got good comments from Kenny and everything. 

finally there’s some upheaval in my life. finally finally finally. now all I want to do is score well for my EE and TOK and go for that Penn talk tomorrow and everything will be F I N E. 

God’s mercies I suppose. Thank you so so much. It’s such a joy when hard work pays off. 

Also, he came over to talk to me just now. So in love but not knowing where its going as of now makes me much happier than positive news I suppose. 

Possibility appeals to me, I guess. 

Hope the good vibes last longer than a day though! 

 

questions

  1. Why do pretty girls always have everything? (maybe I should stop measuring people by the content on their insta feeds) 
  2. Am I enough? (the absurdity of it all, of course you are) 
  3. Am I doing enough? (definitely not) 
  4. Am I going to find someone? (constant question, answer is startlingly obvious; yes, but first you must be someone.) 
  5. Am I obsessed? (yes, with love, lust and matty’s voice) 
  6. When will things start to happen to me? (patience, patience, patience, good timing, and hard work)

realisation otd: nobody in the whole world can give you the answers you need to give yourself. constantly asking questions about things you already know about/have no control over is USELESS. it’s impossible to stress this enough- without hardwork you are getting nowhere. and no one. up to you to decide what you want. 

i’m just tired of doing nothing and moping about. 

mixed signals// feelings

My life’s become as vapid as a night out in los angeles, and I just wanna stay in bed/ and hold you like I used to/

Why am I the one, always packing up my stuff? 

Getting a LOT of mixed signals from _____ lately. Maybe its the distance, maybe the shared loneliness and agreement over stuff. Maybe it’s convenient. 

Who am I really in love with? Am I even in love? JC sucks balls. I’m so tired and unproductive all the time. I just want to nap forever and not wake up to this shitty reality. 

 

Relief

I’ve been feeling pretty bad about my relationship with _____ lately, about how things never go the way I planned them, etc. And I listed my worries about the SATs in my last post too, but its ALL BEEN SOLVED NOW SO YAY! God is good 🙂 

And that concert oh my. Matt was so sexy, but a little too thin. I found myself thinking about how I’ll probably get a tattoo sometime soon as well. Maybe after IB? 🙂 And I really want to try a cigarette. I know it’s terrible for you but GOD I love the smell. Reminds me of the time I told ____ it was okay to drink/smoke and he looked at me with an incredulous expression and asked me, “Who are you?”

Yet another reminder that nobody knows, and I don’t want anyone to know either. 

 

Good things

I read through my blog today and I was just struck by how negative I am! All I seem to do is rant about how my life isn’t going the way I want it to, how I don’t look the way I want to, etc etc. But isn’t the whole point of faith and belief in God’s mercies the simple idea that I don’t need to worry about tomorrow because if something I want is meant to happen, it will. All I can do is make the most of today, and work as hard as I can. I just need to have faith in my abilities, because if I let other people second-guess me, and make me feel bad about myself, then I’ve got nothing. 

So I decided that I would write about all the good things that have happened to me up till now, and feel better because its definitely NOT the end of the world if I don’t get something. 

  1. Got a 7 in Hindi 
  2. Feeling more confident about Chemistry 
  3. Found tuitions where I’m comfortable and happy
  4. I have a clear goal about where I want to go for uni and what I want to do 
  5. Had an overall okay CTs, where none of the papers other than math were disastrous
  6. Runi called me “much cleverer than everyone else in your class” 
  7. I’ve got people who help me do the things I can’t!