to not

I want to not think, not feel, not experience 

I just want to live in anticipation of better things; they’re always better in my head anyway.

where did the idealism of 2012 go? everything I want just seems so unattainable now

I’d get on that flight to America in a heartbeat. I’d leave here in a heartbeat. And that’s the difference between you and me. You wouldn’t ever have the guts to leave something comfortable, something you know. And you label your fear as attachment to your family, and say that I have none. You think ambition, a desire to become something, means that I don’t feel anything toward anyone. But I’m different. I’d claw my way out of here. Far far away from you and your life of mediocrity. 

ambition without substance

I have always faced resistance from my family for the path I want to follow. My dreams thus far have been a solitary affair, where I’ve been fantasising about the kind of life I would like to have, somewhere very far from here. Home for me has always been somewhere other than where I live, and I can’t think of any other future for myself except the one where I’m a strong, successful individual with a lovely partner, beautiful belongings and a job that I love doing and that gives me a lot of money. And somehow Singapore has never been the place where I imagine myself doing these things. A good life and Singapore have never been synonymous to me, and somewhere I know that they will never be. 

It just puts me in a bad mood when I think of where I want to be and all the things that stand in the way of me getting there. Money, parents, my own ineptitude, laziness and naiveté, above anything else. I just get angry when I think of everything that could be, everything I could have had if- 

I’ve been filled with terrible, terrible thoughts lately. If people knew the kind of poison that brews under my skin I think they’d want nothing to do with me- its laughable, really. But I’m rambling as usual. The bottom line is that I have ambition without substance and this is my harmartia, this is my downfall. My lack of any kind of gumption, character, morality. I’m the kind of person who has absolutely no trouble leaving my parents and family to go live halfway across the world, in a place where there is no guarantee that I will get any of the things in life and even after typing all that I feel a deep thrill and I cannot possibly think of anything I’d love more. Its a humbling thought nonetheless, that I’ll never see any of that because I’m so fucking stupid and I don’t know shit about anything. 

It’s hard to be optimistic where I seem to live in a world where everybody knows more than me and is very willing to use my own ignorance and willingness to believe the best of them against me at every moment. Its funny, isn’t it? I trust those who will eventually hurt me the most, and trust those who are near me the least. I don’t know who to trust, who to believe, what to believe anymore. I don’t know anything, and every day the knowledge of what I don’t know suffocates me more and more.