homework

  1. Chemistry Tuition Worksheets (Organic Chemistry) – Monday
  2. Chemistry Design IA – Monday
  3. Physics Worksheets – Friday 
  4. Physics Design IA – Next Thursday
  5. Literature test script – Next week
  6. Literature IB practice test – Next week
  7. Economics writing practice revision – Friday
  8. TOK Essay – Week 11 Friday
  9. CAS File – Monday 

anger

Stuff to be angry about at this juncture of my life 

  1. My mother openly saying, ‘this year you don’t really have any special friend, do you?’ 
  2. My needs and wants getting rejected in order for my parents to fulfil their own selfish needs 
  3. My unproductivity 
  4. The inability of my parents to afford any proper education for me
  5. The fact that I am ALWAYS having to fight for the things I want, alone 
  6. The fact that I am fucking ugly and will never get any healthy functioning male with half a brain to fall in love with me 
  7. There’s never enough of anything in my life – money, happy moments, possessions 
  8. I’ve never been anywhere worth mentioning 
  9. I don’t have a story – everything about myself I am willing to reveal to others is a carefully calculated lie 
  10. I have to lie and fabricate because I haven’t got nearly enough to impress anyone
  11. Nobody is ever interested in me, I am almost always the back up option
  12. Yet again I have been left behind as my parents go for yet another fucking walk 
  13. I will always be a loser 

I wish I wasn’t the underdog in my life. I so so wish I wasn’t always the underdog. 

 

answers

I was rifling through some old letters and documents in my father’s black briefcase today when I found an old piece of paper with some predictions made about my father’s future when he was young. It was pretty surreal because there was a lot of truth present in what was predicted (marriage to a science student, financially independent at age 30, etc) but the interesting things about those predictions was that my father had written the years in which those predictions had come true in the margins. To some extent I guess they were self fulfilling prophecies, but his actions were funny because I’m pretty sure I would have done the same thing if I was given a list of future predictions. 

My father doesn’t know that I read that document, but it really gave me a lot to think about in relation to how everybody is looking for answers about their future, and how everyone needs assurance that their life will turn out alright eventually. I spend a lot of my time thinking/overthinking/worrying about what is to come. I often get told not to ‘think so much’ and demand answers immediately from life, but the funny thing is that everybody does that, even the most unexpected people. Its a relief to know this actually, because most of the time I always worry that I’m the only person facing the problems I’m worried about. 

I guess its just one more reason to believe in the indomitable quality that life has of always working out. Situations always resolve themselves, problems get solved and life always goes on. Thank god for that! 

faith

I don’t think of myself as an atheist anymore, as I used to circa 2011-2012. I think I’ve reached a point where I know that God exists, in whatever form I may choose, and so I don’t feel the need to think of God like a ‘celestial being’ with powers and all that jazz. I don’t think there is God in an idol and I definitely do not think he only lives in a temple where you can only wear Indian clothes and apply red ash to your head in order to see and appreciate him.

There’s a conflict, and a sort of frustration I’m experiencing with my family and my faith. I believe intensely in God, and I think I have my own faith in him, separate from Hinduism or any sort of organized religion. Yet every time I speak to my family about not wanting to go to the temple and not wanting to take part in rituals, they think I don’t believe in God, or worse, they think that I think that the belief in God is not ‘cool’ or something, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s hard to know that they’re thinking all these things about me, which makes me frustrated because yet again I am reminded that there is nobody on this planet who knows truly how I feel about all of these things, and nobody on this planet who knows anything about me at all. But maybe it’s my fault for not telling people, I don’t know.

God watches over me and protects me. That is the defining element of my faith. I am well aware of how God has helped me along in all these years – how else can I explain all the situations that have worked out so well without me doing anything at all! But still I refuse to believe that God needs things to be done, offerings and public declarations of faith made before he acts in our lives. Its sort of the fundamentals of Hinduism that I don’t agree with, all the double standards and insincerity that I see in my own family and in temples. Why can’t I enter the temple while I’m on my period? Why do women have a time of ‘impurity’ while men always remain pure enough to worship? Why does the woman have to prepare the offerings and maintain the temple? Why do I have to declare my ‘jaat’ and bow before a priest before God hears anything I have to tell him? And most of all, I refuse to believe that God only accepts that I believe in him ONLY AFTER I go to the temple or only after I bow before his image. It is so contrary to my image of God it’s almost appalling. God is accepting, God is kind. God knows how I feel when I enter temples and God understands why I can’t get myself to go. And God helps me and takes care of me nonetheless, which is the most beautiful thing about it all.

 Despite the conflict, I continue with this faith, because it has brought me more peace and more serenity than the belief in any Hindu god or goddess ever will. And I still love Hinduism and its teachings – once my father told me something about faith which I will remember forever, “They say faith is like the flight of an eagle; there are many paths, but the destination in the same.” I want to have an intensely private religion, and keep it that way for the rest of my life; I shouldn’t need to explain my faith to anyone, or prove that it exists.

 “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.”

– Dalai Lama XIV 

ishq/love

Yet love’s like a needle on a record, taking parts of you away as it draws sharply and constantly across the heart, in slow descending circles, just to hear a song hidden in the scratches one more time.


Hindi exam is in 4 days. Have written 7 compos in the past 5 days. Quite proud of myself for pushing despite having a whole lot of crap to hand in otherwise. 

Planning to write 4-5 more in the next two days before Monday. And practise paper 1 of course…

 

Went for lunch today with a few friends and I was walking home with a close (is he close? I’m always afraid of labels because I fear they won’t be reciprocated) friend, talking about a couple we both know and I said something about how they met – “They just spent a lot of time together, that’s how it happened” and he replied with the most relevant statement to my life – “There’s a tipping point with this kind of stuff, some people go past it and some don’t” 

There was this silence after that because I just didn’t know what to say, or how to respond. It seemed really really relevant to us as ‘more than friends’ or whatever we are/were/will be(?) because I realised that we’d never been over the tipping point ourselves, and this doesn’t seem very likely in the future either. In short, I felt kind of depressed and anxious because I don’t think I’ll ever cross the tipping point with anyone. It seems very unlike me, unlike anything I would ever do. 

But the crux of the matter is that love shouldn’t have to feel like that. Love shouldn’t have to be anxiety-inducing. Love is simple, love is simple, love is simple. 

 

Bittersweet, but then again, most things are.