before I forget

If you are lucky, one day you’ll get the chance to have your life defined by how much you loved and were loved by someone else.

 Iain Thomas 

I am writing this now, during class because I want to get it out of my system before I forget it entirely and make similar mistakes (as I have a startling tendency to be insanely stupid all the time). 
 
I don’t understand why I spend so much time blaming myself when other people make me feel terrible. One some level I blame myself because somewhere I fear that everything others say about me is true, that I am judgmental and selfish and elitist (strangely, because I am far from being elite in any way) and on another level I want to get people to like me so much that I microanalyse anything anyone says to me to look for the exact place where I messed up and ruined yet another conversation, yet another chance for something more than platonic indifference. 
 
But the question isn’t why I do these things, it is whether or not I should be blaming myself and spiraling into another round of self deprecation. I don’t think I am as bad as people think I am, though. I am pretty cynical and sarcastic, but I don’t think I’m that abrasive on the inside. But that really doesn’t warrant me making stupid comments about a teacher’s weight and relationship status because I am NOBODY to talk haha (having similar problems myself). The worst thing about this, though, is that nobody will ever read this so nobody will ever know how sorry I am that I say these things to people and about people. 
 
Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and direct the sarcasm inward (or here) before I damage my measly social standing even more. The thing to remember here is that I need to focus on keeping my friends (or whatever they are, because friends rarely make you feel this inadequate), not on making new ones through crude humor.
 
UGH why can’t I just shut up for once!
 
 
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