Meandering

“You have to find the right distance between people. Too close, and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you.”
— Hanif Kureishi

Yesterday was a fair day. Went to school as per normal and attended my lessons. Went to the usual benches outside the dance studio and found S and A sitting there already. I’m really unsure about how I feel about A but every time I am around the both of them together I get extremely jealous and dissatisfied. Initially I thought it’s because I harbour some crazy attraction for him but now I feel it’s because I am jealous of their friendship and resentful about not having such a friendship myself. I am constantly wondering how making and maintaining friendships comes so easily to people. My own parents don’t really have that many friends and aren’t particularly friendly themselves, but I don’t want that to be my life. I remember how I used to (and how I still) try to dissect people’s behaviour and actions to try and figure out ‘how they did it’; how they got other people to like them, and now that I think about it I just feel so sorry for myself and just marvel at how pathetic I was/am.

Econs teacher was mad at me and P for being late and she just stood outside the class staring at us like we were the worst criminals or something. Made me feel really uneasy and terrible…I am simply not a person comfortable with the idea of others being angry or dissatisfied with me, and I’m definitely not someone used to/comfortable with defying authority (despite how rebellious I appear to be to M and XR).
But eventually I realised that she wasn’t that angry with us or anything, just made us answer a couple more questions and all that. But I tried to make up for it by being attentive and all that jazz but I still felt like an outsider, as childish as that sounds.

Spent most of the night watching friends and reworking my IA, thank god for P who spotted that insane error! Sometimes I feel God does watch out for us in these small ways… I see his presence in my life everyday.

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