maya

“there is nothing quite so tragic as a young cynic. because it means that the person has gone from knowing nothing, to believing nothing. in my case, i was saved in that muteness. and i was able to draw from human thought, human disappointments and triumphs; enough to triumph myself”

dating? me trying to figure myself out.

I need to spend a night and figure out what i’m doing with my life. and PLAN. i’ve just been drifting around forever and i’m not really sure what the fuck is going on seriously.

ok like the dating thing? ugh like what is that even? SW has a gf after 2 weeks. of meeting someone on TINDER. so like what the. but that’s not how i want my life to be right? cant do that? i’m like too “cold” or whatever.

parents fighting again. ugh. regarding some painting shit. i feel like somewhere this is regarding money. like ugh this is not doing any favours to my anxiety. ugh. jesus i am so fcking scared about everything. my brain is just not working i need to do something oh god oh god.

panic attack.

its over now. god i’m going to stay out of this house, finish all my work, get really good grades and leave this place forever someday. and everything will be fine. and the minute i start working i am going to get myself a therapist cos if this is my mental state NOW, then i dont even know how its going to be in the future.

jesus christ. idk how anybody is going to be able to deal with this mess that is my brain. legit. i have so many issues its unbearable. i am unbearable frankly. and the excess thoughts are like accumulating like FAT on my body and i’m now just as ugly on the outside as i am on the inside. so there.

not everyone needs to find someone. some people are just meant to be alone.

jhonjhal/ jhanghat

seriously, being married is such a pain in the ASS.

why would anyone want to do this. like WHY even, aside from like parental pressure or societal pressure.

i seriously find myself wondering a lot – if my parents had met as friends, would they like each other even?

2016

2016 has been fucking hard. i’ve been thinking and thinking for these past few weeks and wow ya i have really dealt with a whole bunch of shit. and i took that and i made it better. in a fierce way, i tried to work out my problems and they have in fact worked out. to be very honest like i don’t even think people know how difficult it has been for me to cope this year. like i have spent most of the 365 days feeling like an utter piece of shit and trying so hard not to be this loser idiot.

school

so i guess like i’ve succeeded so far. despite being hit with what felt like a bomb during the first few weeks of school, i got reasonable grades. definitely i dropped quite a bit (from 4.11 to 3.90) but i can excuse myself that much. its not terrible. i’m hoping to RA with Prof P if he lets me and i’ll try to get something published this sem somewhere if i can.

weight and appearance

i’m 73kg now even though an ideal weight should be about 60. my skin has gotten better since last year. despite a lot of stress and such the pimples mostly aren’t there. acne scars from ages ago are still healing, as am i. fashion sense still quite shit (which has been pointed out to me multiple times so wtv). will try to improve that as well. gotta look out for the salessssss

dad’s job/finances/etc

i’ve gotten a tutoring job to deal with finances for exchange, and it pays well without me having to do too much work or sacrifice a weekend or anything like that.

romantic entanglements 

uh so like i guess i thought that there was smth going on either w me and A or w me and S and like recently it was made quite clear to me that neither A nor S saw me in that way at all. so like ok wtv i dont think theres anything i can do about that lol. but its good that i’m going into 2016 without like any sort of baggage like i dont have any expectations. like i told the bff, like rships is all tied to weight. u lose weight and u get a bf its simple math. so ya i guess until i lose this 10+ kg or so like its not gonna change, this situation.

people in general

thing is like people r really quite mean and awful. and idk why guys think its okay to just like say rude things to me or whatever. like every guy i know. but maybe its because i say rude things to them. maybe because i dont love myself enough. its all possible. i guess i want to see the good in things. in situations. in myself. all round kindness is needed.

hoping that 2017 will be a better year, full of self love and appreciation and forgiveness and healing.

things to remember

  1. there is no need to find a boyfriend, or even see any guys romantically. i can’t spend my life waiting around. i need to work on myself a lot a lot. and not work on flaws or stuff that people find to be repulsive in me. think about what u have trouble with personally. like maybe im too unkind and critical of myself. maybe im a bit too defensive and cold. that sort of thing
  2. have a better relationship with food. i have been stress eating quite a bit this past few weeks which has resulted in some weight gain. so like i want to be better in that respect and eat more meaningfully
  3. i should deal with my anxiety and stress in a better way than to bite off all my nails and lie awake at night considering situations that may not happen
  4. i need to work more consistently. it doesn’t need to be perfect but there needs to be a DRAFT. every week. without fail
  5. i should be more active and take more walks, etc. spend more time on my feet or maybe go swimmingggg
  6. try to do something nice every week. paint or draw or do something relaxing every week like a ritual for yourself. take a break or something
  7. say yes to more opportunities 🙂 never say ur too busy. i’m never ever too busy for anyone or anything that might make a difference to my future. try to help people if you can.
  8. try to keep up this routine of sleeping 8h or at least maintain the 9am to 11pm routine so practice won’t be so hard in the future
  9. find better snacks to eat in school instead of eating all that trash. maybe health food or something consistent that you like.

letter to myself on my birthday

best friend suggested that I do this – just write down what’s worrying me and seeing what happens in the year ahead.

it’s almost my birthday and tbh this has been a really difficult year. I’ve had to give up a lot of stuff that I’ve loved – like T and the idea of a relationship with A. I mean, I don’t remember a year where I’ve had to go through this much and come out of it

Still coming to grips with the fact that my dad lost his job, even though it’s been quite a while since it has happened – sometimes I feel that it’s been harder on me than it has on him – and especially since all my information comes from secondhand sources that I’ve tried to ferret out stuff from. It’s strange I mean, a weird dance between pretending I don’t know what’s happening and altering my every move to try and deal with it. I don’t know what to feel. In my own way, i’ve tried to deal with it – i try to spend less than 100 bucks every month. have stopped spending as freely as i did. i scroll through asos and zalora and close the tab because i don’t know where i’ll get the money to buy stuff. i worry constantly about the prospect of having my PR revoked, my fees raised, not getting citizenship, having to go back to india, everything. every possible bad thing that can happen to me has already been considered by me and turned over in my head a thousand times.

i haven’t even bought shorts in ages. i feel guilty for getting a mac for my birthday, even guiltier for getting a cake that costs $50. i google prices online to make sure eating out is not too expensive. i applied to 7-8 jobs. i’m trying everything i can, just to try and deal with this. there’s no doubt about it – i’m trying very very hard. my heart feels heavy.

in the coming year, i really hope i can get my act together and improve my grades. i want to feel like i’m moving forward in life and trying to improve myself. and I am. i am working harder. but it has to be increased like tenfold. in a way, i’ve already hit rock bottom. jk rowling said that she used this as a solid foundation to rebuild the rest of her life. i shall try to do the same. i will try to feel less guilty i guess. and i really hope i get that job at lewin. i want to save up some money for exchange and a few months of working there will be hopefully enough.

about A. my friendship with him has appeared to have totally fizzled out – why do I allow men to make me feel like i’m not enough for them? my thoughts right now are like – wow ok i must not be as interesting as his med friends or whatever. but i am interesting. whatever. i will not miss a friendship that makes me feel inadequate.

these days i feel like i have less friends. in law sku, i mean. everyone has their classes and their boyfriends and everything. i feel alone a lot. not all the time, but when stuff happens like when people say i can’t go out because i’m going to meet my boyfriend – that hurts. it’s hard to feel like there isn’t something wrong with me. and the worst thing is – i told K this, and he went to go tell everyone else. what i hate more than anything else is feeling like i am the subject of other people’s pity. it sucks.

i always cry before my birthday. i feel its good in a way. helps me feel like i’ve cleansed myself a little bit. i can’t imagine what else god has in store for me. all i want is an uneventful year ahead. no excitement. monotony. i don’t think i can deal with more rejection, heartbreak and anxiety than i have already.

i want to be able to deal with my anxiety better. and be ok with not being perfect. i gotta believe in the ‘its not perfect but its done’ attitude. and i think i really have become a little cold. might want to let people in a little more than i do.

i want to be a better person, generally. life is often a struggle to me, but i don’t really like to dump that on other people. just want to fake happiness so that people around me aren’t worried about me. but at the same time, i don’t want to feel like such a wreck that i do now. wait backtrack. i dont feel like a wreck. but i do feel like my life needs a lot of WORK to make it normal or ok. my life is actually ok right now. i don’t want to spoil the now, just because of the yesterdays. if that makes any sense.

happy birthday, me. you are a lovely person. you’re kind, honest, and pure of heart. this i know, despite all my flaws. i am a good person. i hope i’ll have a great year ahead.